Transparency

No Answers

I have exhausted all of my optimism at the moment. I’m hyperaware of this and trying to stay objective rather than wallow in circumstantial or biochemical despondence, though it may just be an effect of shock before the actual disappointment kicks in.

So I am writing this more for myself as a public reminder that I must keep asking the questions even if I haven’t found solutions for them. If not, I concede my foreseeable future to the whim of others and my life will be theirs and in effect I will have given up whatever I still hold of my dreams and aspirations.

My plans have once again been thwarted, but that is because they are possibly shortsighted and I need to broaden my vision and reexamine my circumstances. It does not mean my hopes are out of reach, it just means I can no longer see a path that will deliver me to their embrace.

It’s time to reconsider all of my assumptions..

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26 January 2011 | journal | consciousness, transparency | View Comments

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Horizons

I have quietly come back to San Francisco for an interview. I’ve learned it is best not to put too much hope or energy into potential futures. The groundwork laid for their manifestation lies in innumerable decisions and intentions stretching back for years, a little more attention from my ego isn’t going to help in any way.

However, I can see, just off in the distance, a future that is more stable and satisfying than anything I’ve had previously in my adult life.

Whatever opportunity comes my way I now feel I am in the right mindset to take action and fulfill promises to myself that I have long ignored. I’ve had a few breaths, taken a little perspective, and weighed out the most essential and important aspects of the life I want to live. I am free of some of the old patterns and beginning to weave new ones into my own tapestry. Regardless of what happens today, this will be the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life.

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15 December 2010 | journal | creative process, philosophy, tease, transparency | View Comments

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Acceptance of Here and Now

I’ve spent most of the afternoon and evening discussing relationships: romantic, platonic, genetic. There haven’t been any spontaneous revelations but rather my attitudes and notions are being cemented and affirmed as being correct.

I used to think the guys I was dating were crazy, now I’m certain it was me all along. It was crazy to expect something different than what I knew was possible, like being confounded that you can’t squeeze water out of a stone. I set myself up to believe that I could have something stable out of of someone unsettled.

It takes time to figure out who we are and what we want, and even if you get to that place yourself, you cannot assume that someone else is already there, even if they believe they are. Insecurity, delusion, naivety, inexperience all get the best of us, no matter what we think we want. And I myself am still in a fairly ambiguous state, trying to weigh out if I even want to have some sort of long term relationship. While I don’t see myself as damaged by the professional liar anymore, I think it called attention to the destructive power of insecurity and the games people play to satisfy their anxieties. I don’t know if I want to sign up for more of that.

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