Who’s Driving?
I don’t think I really believe in love at first sight.. I don’t trust the overwhelming forces of infatuation and animal instinct. However, I have rarely experienced compelling compatibility at the inception of the intersection of a stranger. I’m surrounded by attractive people, a large social pool of handsome, funny, sweet, generous friends and aquaintences. I am fortunate to have plenty of opportunity and selection, but only on a handful of occassions in life have I been struck by the woozy, headswimming sensation of instant gravitation.
It has lead me down some winding roads, but each path has certainly been elucidating and clarifying to some extent, further refining my sense of self and what kind of future I am hurdling myself toward. Strong emotions are opportunities to discover our subconscious selves, the feelings and thoughts we hide from ourselves, however aware we think we are.
I recently encountered this experience again. I’m not sure what to make of it since I am sorting out a number of loose ends in my life and his life doesn’t seem any less complicated presently either. I dont’t know if I should allow myself to ‘like’ him too much. What do we want with each other? What do I have to offer? Where will it go? I’m always up for a weekend adventure or even a slow Sunday ride. Of course it would also be ideal to have a traveling companion, who might enjoy many journeys and explorations. I don’t have to have a plan for a destination as long as I have an inspiring environment and good company. Sharing a compelling experience is usually worth whatever sacrifices are necessary.
This feels a little different this time. The qualities I’m magnetized by seem healthier and wiser perhaps. Kindness and consideration are so much more important to me than ever before. Self acceptance and governance seem so much more essential to a connection that has any hope of lasting.
I enjoy thinking about him. I think it is liberating from my circumstance, propels me toward the future I am projecting myself into, keeps the blood pumping through my heart so it does not grow cold. I don’t know what I’m ready for, I’m trying to figure that out. I am trying to be patient with the unfolding of my actions and intentions. I hope he will be patient as well.
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