gay

REALationship

What would a good relationship feel like? I don’t think I’ve had one so I’m not sure I would recognize the signs. I watch my family huff and puff about in unappreciated passive aggressiveness and I wonder why I bother to flirt. Exactly what the hell am I trying to get myself into? When I observe my friends it doesn’t seem much better. All too often they seem to make compromises that ensure no one is happy.

Most people historically coupled off because hey had to. To survive in the world required sharing resources and labor. As challenging as times are today I don’t think that’s true anymore. Perhaps people are bound together to preserve a lifestyle but they could likely survive if their circumstances changed.

I read about how the mortgage crisis has brought about many couples who can’t afford to divorce or split their assets because of the economy, but I’m betting if one or the other was willing to let their credit take a hit they could probably walk away and slowly rebuild their life.

One friend and I are always having this debate over whether the desire to couple is innate or learned. Sure there are biological factors driving connection, but how natural is it to pick someone to spend decades of your life with?

I’ve sustained myself through this experience with the love of my friends. A simple phone call or a txt message brightens my whole world as I just try to get through this. I have had someone to flirt with but he’s on his own journey. I think we have just tried to esteem each other with flattery to heal our respective wounds. Though I think he’s vary to make himself too vulnerable and I wonder why I am not just as cautious. The foolishness of my heart has jeopardized my future and my security, it simply can’t be trusted.

Who can be objective about their love in the thick of it? I can’t, but I do think I can make objective observations about the connections around me. Its impossible for an imperfect being to create something perfect, so I am metering my expectations. You know at times its gonna feel like hell, the other person should know all of your naked weaknesses and can target them with sniper precision, but do they go there? Do they attack your defenselessness? What about the joy? Do they applaud your achievements or are they unresponsive to your triumphs? I see the bickering and the squabbling, often jumping in the middle as a counselor to help mediate. I keep asking myself are these people really content, even happy? One friend told me you just have to as yourself every now and then if its worth it, and for him and his guy the answer is usually yes.

There’s all kinds of connections, arrangements. I thinks a false notion that everyone wants the same thing out of a relationship. From my internal calculations that’s what I see as the undoing of most people. I’ve experienced it myself plenty. Yes, I like you but I don’t want to be in a sexless cuddlefest the rest of my life. I’m sure there’s someone more appropriate for you out there. No, I don’t want you to be a trophy and watch reruns all day while I’m the breadwinner. Great that we connect in private but I’m not going to transform permanently to fit in with your image with your friends..we don’t really share the same attitudes. Sure, lets call our relationship a marriage for our friends and family while you spend all your time chatting up strangers via online hookup sites instead of sharing so much as dinner every night.

Though when two people do have the same idea in mind, how quickly do they loose sight of each other? In the infatuation phase your senses are heightened but looking for either reasons to hold or fold. It’s equally irrational to cling and to bolt, it should be more casual if only emotions were something we could tame like a purse dog. Later resentful obstacles like career and finances can easily obfuscate the person in front of you.

All in all it seems no matter how you meet, how good it might be at any moment, the whole thing is fleeting and can transform into an inescapable pit of vipers. So how do you open up to possibility again? How do you keep it in the sweet spot? And most importantly, will I ever think it’s worth it again?

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13 April 2011 | journal | gay, relationships, vulnerability | View Comments

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No Kiss At Midnight..

Some cultures believe that your New Years day is a reflection of the whole year, that what you do that day will magically occur the following year. If that’s the case, then I’m doubtful that this year I will have a lover or any kind of serious relationship. I spent my midnight running around chasing friends in a sea of people, never quite figuring out where anyone was before the ball dropped. Eventually I did find my peeps in different corners, so hopefully my year will be full of deeper and new friendships.

As usual, I did plenty of relatively innocent flirting but connections were fleeting. It felt like a romance was unobtainable while many of my friends were basking in the glow of new infatuations. I suppose that is a good thing, love has never been kind to me. I miss couplehood, there’s no greater high but the withdrawal and subsequent crash must be worse than any hard drug addiction. I’ve had all the foundations in my life leveled by men who were careless with my heart.

I saw my last ex-boyfriend in Los Angeles, multiple times. He seemed eager for me to make eye contact or at least acknowledge his presence. Unbeknown to me I met his new twenty-one year old boyfriend (that was quick, eh) and surprisingly we got along well until each other realized the significance of the other. I tried to politely explain myself to him, but unsurprisingly he was drunk and defensive. Every time I saw Z walking around I had to turn away, he just emanates sadness and loneliness, it’s like he deep down realizes he’s ruining his life. He cannot help but make everything difficult for himself. I’d like to have compassion but I have a good memory and I remember how unfair and unappreciative he was.

I met some other fellas, but communication and coordination seemed difficult. Perhaps I’m projecting my own emotional distance. They are both intelligent enough to be very observant and avoid anything painful for themselves. Who knows who could come into my life, but frankly friendships are enough.

This was also a revealing weekend about friendships. I’ve realized that some friends will never reciprocate the same investment. If they won’t make an effort to include me or keep up with events in my life, then I’m not going to share myself with them. I had a better time at a house party full of new people then spending time chasing after their flakey asses. I know better than most that some people are in and out of your life in a flash. No harm intended but you end up on different wave lengths. I’m pretty sure I was only included because of who I dated, and now that I’m single, well I’m just no longer part of the crew.

In summary, this year will likely be full of new challenges. Nothing is more difficult than personal change. I need to learn to live without love in my life, to focus on plans that will build myself a better future than I’ve ever imagined.

I think I’m doing a fairly good job maintaining my priorities so far. I have a lot of pieces to put back together before I’ll be any good for anyone. I hate this limbo, it feels like it has been going on forever. My intuition tells me that it will be over soon and that I need to have a plan waiting to take action.

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04 January 2011 | journal | friendships, gay, new year, relationships | View Comments

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Dan Choi Handcuffs Himself To White House In Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Protest (VIDEO)

Dan Choi Handcuffs Himself To White House In Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell Protest (VIDEO).

It’s just bizarre that the top brass have now gone on the line to say how unfair this policy is and yet none of the political leadership are willing to stand behind it. End this now!