Speechless
During the Western new years celebration, I met a fella that left me speechless. Hard to believe my motor mouth could be stumped? I was surprised too. It was startling and unfamiliar. Despite reflection I couldn’t exactly determine why this occurred. He’s a handsome, dreamy man for sure, but it seemed like there was a deeper reason..
I wondered if it was my wiser senses prevailing, after all I have sabotaged myself in the past with being too flattering or attentive. Some people feel anxious when complimented or manifest a false sense of responsibility for being an object of affection. He didn’t seem to mind when I could struggle to find words to express my attraction and appreciation for his connection.. if only I could tap into my more poetic side.
Now that it is the beginning of a new year in the Eastern Lunar calendar, I think that I have come to understand what’s happening.
I think I’m finding a new tempo, a new amplitude for my emotions. It’s as if I’m syncing up to a new rhythm in preparation for a new kind of bond that’s cemented on the molecular level. I am calming down but not in a way that feels like I am slowing. I think this morning I started to have a vision of what we might be able to have..
Up until now I have always believed that you have to choose between passion and stability. That is what I have witnessed in most of the relationships I’ve seen in my lifetimes. Most couples seem to be matched to have a tepid but long lasting bond or a ferocious fiery affair, but never both.
Today I am beginning to wonder if the reason I haven’t been able to find my words for him is that he offers something I never imagined. My brain can’t find words because it is confounded by the anomaly of a match for me that could indeed cause my heart to consistently swell without bursting. He might just be a man that I could build something reliable, dependable, without loosing that sparkle in our eyes for each other. He seems to be a personalized, perfect blend of fantasy and reality for me. He is someone who could tickle my imagination to unfold for decades and still be the one I know I can turn to when I stumble and need a quiet embrace.
I am beginning to think that I have trouble finding words because I may not need them. All that will need to be said will be expressed through action and time. All that might be necessary is just to have patience and trust that our connection has its own nature. We shall see, but this is the first shaft of light breaking through the darkness and if nothing else I am certain that he offers me a point for direction and a glimmer of hope.
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