No Kiss At Midnight..
Some cultures believe that your New Years day is a reflection of the whole year, that what you do that day will magically occur the following year. If that’s the case, then I’m doubtful that this year I will have a lover or any kind of serious relationship. I spent my midnight running around chasing friends in a sea of people, never quite figuring out where anyone was before the ball dropped. Eventually I did find my peeps in different corners, so hopefully my year will be full of deeper and new friendships.
As usual, I did plenty of relatively innocent flirting but connections were fleeting. It felt like a romance was unobtainable while many of my friends were basking in the glow of new infatuations. I suppose that is a good thing, love has never been kind to me. I miss couplehood, there’s no greater high but the withdrawal and subsequent crash must be worse than any hard drug addiction. I’ve had all the foundations in my life leveled by men who were careless with my heart.
I saw my last ex-boyfriend in Los Angeles, multiple times. He seemed eager for me to make eye contact or at least acknowledge his presence. Unbeknown to me I met his new twenty-one year old boyfriend (that was quick, eh) and surprisingly we got along well until each other realized the significance of the other. I tried to politely explain myself to him, but unsurprisingly he was drunk and defensive. Every time I saw Z walking around I had to turn away, he just emanates sadness and loneliness, it’s like he deep down realizes he’s ruining his life. He cannot help but make everything difficult for himself. I’d like to have compassion but I have a good memory and I remember how unfair and unappreciative he was.
I met some other fellas, but communication and coordination seemed difficult. Perhaps I’m projecting my own emotional distance. They are both intelligent enough to be very observant and avoid anything painful for themselves. Who knows who could come into my life, but frankly friendships are enough.
This was also a revealing weekend about friendships. I’ve realized that some friends will never reciprocate the same investment. If they won’t make an effort to include me or keep up with events in my life, then I’m not going to share myself with them. I had a better time at a house party full of new people then spending time chasing after their flakey asses. I know better than most that some people are in and out of your life in a flash. No harm intended but you end up on different wave lengths. I’m pretty sure I was only included because of who I dated, and now that I’m single, well I’m just no longer part of the crew.
In summary, this year will likely be full of new challenges. Nothing is more difficult than personal change. I need to learn to live without love in my life, to focus on plans that will build myself a better future than I’ve ever imagined.
I think I’m doing a fairly good job maintaining my priorities so far. I have a lot of pieces to put back together before I’ll be any good for anyone. I hate this limbo, it feels like it has been going on forever. My intuition tells me that it will be over soon and that I need to have a plan waiting to take action.
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Kgortney
