Forever Connected
I know that this time will be different. When I left the professional liar, I didn’t want to ever talk to him again. I feigned at friendship, but there was just so much pain and anger that I hoped he would just go away and leave my life alone without terrorizing me further. (that didn’t happen)
The world has since changed. Communication is more complicated and nuanced thanks to technology and a web of friends and acquaintances that neither of us wants to let go of. I also don’t want to loose him. I just don’t know if that’s because my heart wants to sync back up with his or if I just always want to have him within my sights, under my protection. I removed him off Facebook so I wouldn’t be tempted to post cryptic status messages, music videos loaded with meaning, or any other digital drama. That hasn’t exactly stopped me from making an ass of myself. Its still fresh but I cannot help but change my profile picture to a shot of the two of us (with him cropped just out of sight).
I can be fairly confident that he isn’t reading this blog, I never kept it up during the relationship, and he rarely if ever paid attention to what I was doing online. I just need a place to vent, to sort my thoughts out in words as I try and clarify what I want and the meaning of what happened to him, to me, and to us. If he ever reads any of this I hope he understands that I’ve been struggling with our time together and none of this is ever intended to hurt him, though it is painful for me and some of it might be painful for him.
I still am not doing what I set out to do with this sabbatical, shift my focus. I’m toying with alternative futures, dabbling in possible opportunities, but there’s little forward movement. I’m still locked in a menagerie of memories, imprisoned in a shell of emotions. I am not eating healthy or being very physically active despite the costs I am all too aware of.
There are only a few things I need to put my life back in order, all of them should be very obtainable. It’s really a matter of focus. So tomorrow I am vowing to finally make an effort, to embrace my own self interest and make some progress however small it may be. It may not feel like it’s time, but it never will until I force myself to envision and manifest my future life.
