Acceptance of Here and Now
I’ve spent most of the afternoon and evening discussing relationships: romantic, platonic, genetic. There haven’t been any spontaneous revelations but rather my attitudes and notions are being cemented and affirmed as being correct.
I used to think the guys I was dating were crazy, now I’m certain it was me all along. It was crazy to expect something different than what I knew was possible, like being confounded that you can’t squeeze water out of a stone. I set myself up to believe that I could have something stable out of of someone unsettled.
It takes time to figure out who we are and what we want, and even if you get to that place yourself, you cannot assume that someone else is already there, even if they believe they are. Insecurity, delusion, naivety, inexperience all get the best of us, no matter what we think we want. And I myself am still in a fairly ambiguous state, trying to weigh out if I even want to have some sort of long term relationship. While I don’t see myself as damaged by the professional liar anymore, I think it called attention to the destructive power of insecurity and the games people play to satisfy their anxieties. I don’t know if I want to sign up for more of that.
What I do know is that I have plenty of time to find out.. in this life or the next. There’s no rush. There’s no sense in thinking of every dating scenario as anything but practice for the occasion that I do find someone I want something long term with. I wish I hadn’t taken every relationship so seriously. I wish I had not put the power of rejection in their hands. I wish I had not wasted a moment’s time feeling like I’d lost something if they didn’t return my feelings. So be it. It’s just experience, take the wisdom and leave the rest.
In the future, I will keep in mind that what I imagine and hope a relationship to be is not at all what it is. We intentionally ignore the bad in an attempt to magnify the good. That’s infatuation. I’ll be aware that this is my tendency, this is my pattern, and hopefully take a lighter casual approach until the excitement phase wears off and I have a chance to be more objective. That would seem to be the healthier approach.
In the meantime, I am energized by my friends. Over the last few days I’ve felt a little crazy from the disconnection, seriously overposting on Facebook. Today I felt a bit of comfort at discovering that my friends are missing me just as much. They called to check on me and to relate that it just now settling in for them as well, that I might be away for a good while longer. It’s been more than a vacations worth of days. They are feeling my absence, I am feeling the withdrawal from their humor, troubles, talks, adventures, and wisdom. It’ll all be ok in time, I might be back in a month, but if not I’ll be back soon enough.
Right now I should get a little more involved with my family. They are feeling rejected that I can’t let go of my life out West. They need a little comforting even if all I can give them is my presence. I’m reluctant to play counselor anymore, there’s been far too much enabling. I’m tired of giving words that will not be heard or acted upon. I need to find a new role here, but I don’t think as much is required. I just need to smile, to assure them of my love, and step back and let them make their own decisions. I need to be my own counselor, take the support I share with others and apply it to my own life.
After I take care of some business, reenergize, get some focus, and take a step back for some perspective I think I can return to San Francisco stronger, calmer, with a vision of how I’d like my life to be, that I can be true to myself no matter the temptation or opportunity. I can enjoy the prime of my life.. the nexus of my youth with the beginning of my wiser years. I can apply the knowledge from trial and error with the confidence that only comes from living experience. I can walk hand in hand with a sense of satisfaction that up until this moment has eluded me.
I’m accepting myself for who I really am, it’s not a milestone, but a process and I’m far enough on it that I can begin to really enjoy being alive.
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