Journal

Unfamiliar Terrain

On the eve of the celebration of one orbital rotation around our home star, my thoughts are heavy with all the events and realizations of the last year as well as the hopes I am brewing for the new year. I am in Los Angeles, a town full of old memories, attitudes, and detritus from a former life and I now know I am very much a transformed man for better or worse. I am something new, still unfolding, still very much undiscovered and more so than ever I find my head and heart full of surprising impressions and realizations.

In many ways I have accomplished the taming of my desire and despite outward appearances I have cultivated a cool dispassion to counter the once overwhelming romanticism that has been my undoing.

My goals are simpler, my senses more cautious, I believe I am as prepared as I ever could be for what’s to come. I will endeavor to radiate hope, to be an agent of compassion, to be a force for constructive playful chaos.

I am very satisfied and strengthened by the love of my friends. Who really could ask for more kindness, generosity, wisdom, and humor. Their vision and faith in me is fortifying in a way I scarcely thought possible. Despite the tribulations of the last few years it indeed “gets better” and all the struggle was indeed worth it.

I’m looking forward to who we will become this new year and the process of exploring the unknowns ahead..

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Who’s Driving?

I don’t think I really believe in love at first sight.. I don’t trust the overwhelming forces of infatuation and animal instinct. However, I have rarely experienced compelling compatibility at the inception of the intersection of a stranger. I’m surrounded by attractive people, a large social pool of handsome, funny, sweet, generous friends and aquaintences. I am fortunate to have plenty of opportunity and selection, but only on a handful of occassions in life have I been struck by the woozy, headswimming sensation of instant gravitation.

It has lead me down some winding roads, but each path has certainly been elucidating and clarifying to some extent, further refining my sense of self and what kind of future I am hurdling myself toward. Strong emotions are opportunities to discover our subconscious selves, the feelings and thoughts we hide from ourselves, however aware we think we are.

I recently encountered this experience again. I’m not sure what to make of it since I am sorting out a number of loose ends in my life and his life doesn’t seem any less complicated presently either. I dont’t know if I should allow myself to ‘like’ him too much. What do we want with each other? What do I have to offer? Where will it go? I’m always up for a weekend adventure or even a slow Sunday ride. Of course it would also be ideal to have a traveling companion, who might enjoy many journeys and explorations. I don’t have to have a plan for a destination as long as I have an inspiring environment and good company. Sharing a compelling experience is usually worth whatever sacrifices are necessary.

This feels a little different this time. The qualities I’m magnetized by seem healthier and wiser perhaps. Kindness and consideration are so much more important to me than ever before. Self acceptance and governance seem so much more essential to a connection that has any hope of lasting.

I enjoy thinking about him. I think it is liberating from my circumstance, propels me toward the future I am projecting myself into, keeps the blood pumping through my heart so it does not grow cold. I don’t know what I’m ready for, I’m trying to figure that out. I am trying to be patient with the unfolding of my actions and intentions. I hope he will be patient as well.

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28 December 2010 | journal | relationships, supernature | View Comments

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Horizons

I have quietly come back to San Francisco for an interview. I’ve learned it is best not to put too much hope or energy into potential futures. The groundwork laid for their manifestation lies in innumerable decisions and intentions stretching back for years, a little more attention from my ego isn’t going to help in any way.

However, I can see, just off in the distance, a future that is more stable and satisfying than anything I’ve had previously in my adult life.

Whatever opportunity comes my way I now feel I am in the right mindset to take action and fulfill promises to myself that I have long ignored. I’ve had a few breaths, taken a little perspective, and weighed out the most essential and important aspects of the life I want to live. I am free of some of the old patterns and beginning to weave new ones into my own tapestry. Regardless of what happens today, this will be the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life.