Born of Hope – Full Movie
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Moff’s Moves (LEGO Star Wars)
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REALationship
What would a good relationship feel like? I don’t think I’ve had one so I’m not sure I would recognize the signs. I watch my family huff and puff about in unappreciated passive aggressiveness and I wonder why I bother to flirt. Exactly what the hell am I trying to get myself into? When I observe my friends it doesn’t seem much better. All too often they seem to make compromises that ensure no one is happy.
Most people historically coupled off because hey had to. To survive in the world required sharing resources and labor. As challenging as times are today I don’t think that’s true anymore. Perhaps people are bound together to preserve a lifestyle but they could likely survive if their circumstances changed.
I read about how the mortgage crisis has brought about many couples who can’t afford to divorce or split their assets because of the economy, but I’m betting if one or the other was willing to let their credit take a hit they could probably walk away and slowly rebuild their life.
One friend and I are always having this debate over whether the desire to couple is innate or learned. Sure there are biological factors driving connection, but how natural is it to pick someone to spend decades of your life with?
I’ve sustained myself through this experience with the love of my friends. A simple phone call or a txt message brightens my whole world as I just try to get through this. I have had someone to flirt with but he’s on his own journey. I think we have just tried to esteem each other with flattery to heal our respective wounds. Though I think he’s vary to make himself too vulnerable and I wonder why I am not just as cautious. The foolishness of my heart has jeopardized my future and my security, it simply can’t be trusted.
Who can be objective about their love in the thick of it? I can’t, but I do think I can make objective observations about the connections around me. Its impossible for an imperfect being to create something perfect, so I am metering my expectations. You know at times its gonna feel like hell, the other person should know all of your naked weaknesses and can target them with sniper precision, but do they go there? Do they attack your defenselessness? What about the joy? Do they applaud your achievements or are they unresponsive to your triumphs? I see the bickering and the squabbling, often jumping in the middle as a counselor to help mediate. I keep asking myself are these people really content, even happy? One friend told me you just have to as yourself every now and then if its worth it, and for him and his guy the answer is usually yes.
There’s all kinds of connections, arrangements. I thinks a false notion that everyone wants the same thing out of a relationship. From my internal calculations that’s what I see as the undoing of most people. I’ve experienced it myself plenty. Yes, I like you but I don’t want to be in a sexless cuddlefest the rest of my life. I’m sure there’s someone more appropriate for you out there. No, I don’t want you to be a trophy and watch reruns all day while I’m the breadwinner. Great that we connect in private but I’m not going to transform permanently to fit in with your image with your friends..we don’t really share the same attitudes. Sure, lets call our relationship a marriage for our friends and family while you spend all your time chatting up strangers via online hookup sites instead of sharing so much as dinner every night.
Though when two people do have the same idea in mind, how quickly do they loose sight of each other? In the infatuation phase your senses are heightened but looking for either reasons to hold or fold. It’s equally irrational to cling and to bolt, it should be more casual if only emotions were something we could tame like a purse dog. Later resentful obstacles like career and finances can easily obfuscate the person in front of you.
All in all it seems no matter how you meet, how good it might be at any moment, the whole thing is fleeting and can transform into an inescapable pit of vipers. So how do you open up to possibility again? How do you keep it in the sweet spot? And most importantly, will I ever think it’s worth it again?
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JumpCut
I had to withdraw from the world a bit, too much of the same claimed my sanity and there was little recourse but to break all my patterns and sever some ties. Not too long after the cosmos took pity on me and a new door opened. I found a fulltime gig doing video editing and motion graphics. It has its moments of course and there are many things I would like to change about it, primarily the location, but it’ll do for now while I gather my wits, inventory my resources, and figure out the next sequence of events for myself.
It’s a great opportunity to refine my technical skills, speed up my work flow, and get certain processes so practiced that they become subroutines in my consciousness. This experience should make it easier for me to get to the creative canvas faster in the future.
Now to take care of my health again, back on my vitamin regiments, weekly weight lifting and cardio, more meditation, and of course healthier foods. I’m reincorporating many of the anti-aging strategies I learned long ago.
I just wish my social life was more accessible. Its so much harder to keep up with people in the 21st Century. I think we’re all burned out on too much communication. Texting is an effort, calling is just tiresome, and we all know that sitting across the table from our loved ones is just irreplaceable.
I’m planning a visit Home this Memorial Day weekend. I wish I could spend more time, but my vacation time hasn’t kicked in, and the agency I work at is stingy with personal time off. I offered them desirable incentives to have more freedom with my schedule but they refused, so I am a clock watcher. I’m not gonna give the milk away for free, they can buy the damn cow!
It will be refreshing to see familiar faces, catch up on the status of acquaintances, but if my best friend moves to Colorado Springs and Brawny decides to spend time with someone else I don’t know if I will be in such a hurry to come back so soon for other Summer events.
Of course if the right opportunity presents itself I will naturally pack up and head back. I miss my old lifestyle almost as much as I miss my friends and brothers. I am looking forward to seeing the world by foot and train again, to have food and gym, flirtation and community, all a few steps away from my door. I just need to keep my head down, take care of myself, keep circulating and wait till the next jumpcut to San Francisco.
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Shields to Maximum
I was wrong about that whole vulnerability thing, it just gives your enemies all the weapons they need to destroy you.
I’m really struggling right now. It’s a philosophical crisis that ties very much into my sense of Truth, my willingness to take risks, and my desire to be revealing.
I feel pretty beaten up right now. I know I’m doing most of the punching, but I just keep pounding away uncontrollably.
I thought that by being transparent with my thoughts and emotions I could show a little humanity and bring comfort to other people who might be suffering more quietly or maybe as in the “Be Seen” video gather people who are more like minded. The net result is I don’t have much of a filter anymore. I speak from the heart without regard for the consequences. If you are always conscious of the potential for rejection, disconnection, embarrassment, it is impossible to let your guard down. You make yourself crazy overanalyzing every word before it leaves your tongue.
I’ve been at the opposite end of that extreme before. My ex was ashamed of us, terrified of how the business world would treat us, all because of one tyrannical jackass who really has it out for everyone. The result was, I felt like anything I might say could be used against me and it was better to hold my tongue even if the tip had a good idea, productive criticism, or even an endearing joke. Of course those years were financially rewarding.
Honesty has not been so profitable. I’ve made do, I’ve gotten by, at least for a time. Yet in many ways I think I’m punished for being candid or for how I would characterize my past. So that’s the root of my dilemma. It seems I have to change the way I communicate and project myself or face career paralysis. The voice I’ve spent 4 long years cultivating must be muted. And after paying such a high price, I keep asking what was the whole point of this experiment? What was so important that I needed to say? Society is predicated on lies. The bricks of our institutions are mortared with deceptions, distortions, and censorship. What did I really think I could accomplish?
